


Shadowed Smile

by Kara_Eclipse



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Depression, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:34:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26593780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kara_Eclipse/pseuds/Kara_Eclipse
Summary: It was easy for Maglor to pretend nothing was wrong.
Kudos: 10





	Shadowed Smile

**Author's Note:**

> The suicidal thoughts mentioned in the tags are passive suicidal idealation which is essentially wanting to be dead but not wanting to kill yourself. This can sometimes be hore harmful than outright wanting to kill oneself so please be cautious if this is something that you struggle with.

It was easy to go through the motions, to get up and dress then off to breakfast. It was simple to smile at those he saw or to give them a nod in acknowledgement as he passed them in the halls. The way they all seemed so pleased to see him rang false most days, they shouldn't be happy to see him not after all he had done, but he did his best to return it in the simple ways he knew they expected.

It was habit to speak of the defenses and to hear what the scouts and spies learned since he last saw and heard from them. Like a dance practiced thousands of times the paperwork awaiting him was a mindless exercise with minor variations, one farm produced more than expected but it evened out because another had been raided and now all could eat, of course he would be scolded or derided if such was known... not that the awaiting letters were much better.

Sometimes he eyes shifted to the more southern lands instead of north to dark peaks and forbidding lands. Who would fill in if he was gone? Would anyone dare to hold these lands? Such seemingly safe lands that hid such treacherous areas and people who knew these lands used them to escape friend and foe alike regardless of what harms befell them.

Idle he wondered what his brothers would each look like if they were tasked to take up his lands. They might do well but they would lack the hearts of the people and those he had gained. Which reminded him that he needed to prepare for the exchange, a task that took a handful of minutes to plan before it was off to be acted upon leaving him with little to do once again.

A glint upon the mountains nearest his home drew his attention and he smiled, a smile he half felt and half did not. It was a delight to prepare the room for his incoming guest though that faded to lethargy as he finished and was left to wander his own home hoping to find something to occupy his attention. Nothing captured his eyes, and his mind wandered back to well worn pathways of what should be and what could have been. Then his mind delved deeper to the pathways of what might be if something changed, what if someone was no longer there? Would they manage as well as they did now?

Then someone was walking towards him, a warm voice cutting through his thoughts for an instant but it was enough to once again smile. He greeted the other then showed the prepared room to them before leaving again. Somehow he found himself once again with his paperwork, something he did swiftly because creating felt wrong. Just the thought of ink on papers making notes and crescendos made him feel wrong and like his skin fit poorly.

He smiled and entered the hall for dinner not long after, the food looked and smelled delicious as always. When his guest arrived he felt a brief surge of joy that faded once again to bland... not contentment but not something too different. Muted joy was the closest he could guess to how he felt and once more he wondered in the back of his mind what would change if there was one person less.

It was not that he would allow it when he could still fight for these people but it came often to him that he had caused so much misery and perhaps others would be better off without him. A hand touched his shoulder and he looked at a familiar face and worried eyes and smiled brightly to reassure as he lifted his glass for a toast to his guest. The hall filled with laughter and music swiftly as though they all had been waiting form the gesture.

He drained his glass while asking for news which was freely given. All too soon he was alone in his rooms again, the weight of hope and expectations vanishing as the door was shut. Removing the trappings of his position he settled to watch the sky. Did they ever wonder if they should not exist? Those bright lights above him, he wondered that many times yet found no answer.

Perhaps there was no answer. Perhaps they too simply went through the motions, waltzed through their dance, and found some measure of peace knowing that those who looked to them for comfort or safety could do so still. A small bitter smile touched his lips as he realized that such notions were foolish and then he stood and went to his bed where he laid and turned over some of his musings before deciding that he had been alone too long. It was always too long... much like it was always too easy... maybe one day it wouldn't be too long or too easy... but until then it would just be as it was.


End file.
